If you're going through hell, keep going.

Hey guys, how's it going? Are you glad I'm back, I am. Today I am writing about a topic which is very close to my heart and which I feel strongly about. I am writing about anxiety and my struggles which have taken over my life for some time. 

In January, I started feeling pretty bad about myself. I started doubting myself and started to become more and more disinterested in what I was doing with my life. All I wanted to do was lay on the couch and watch TV shows. And my anxiety couldn't have come at a worst time, it was the time of the final exams. I didn't want to fail because I was a pretty good student but I couldn't help feeling like I was losing who I was. It was growing darker and darker, becoming a sort of depression. I wouldn't say I was really depressed but I guess I was at a brink of it. I kept staring at myself in the mirror and repeating '' I AM FINE, I AM FINE'' but I wasn't. I wasn't fine at all. I didn't feel like eating, I started losing my apettite, I didn't want to go out, all I ever wanted to do was lay on the couch and stare at the tv screen. And like icing on the cake, came my landlady. I wasn't living in a dorm, I lived alone with her and one day out of nowhere she called me stupid. In a very serious tone, might I add. She told me,why are you so stupid, why do you always help everyone. And out of respect for her and out of respect for my parents, I didn't say anything. I kept quiet. And that started eating me on the inside. I AM NOT STUPID. If anything, I am really smart, this might sound fake, but I definitely consider myself smart. I may not me the smartest in maths, but I love languages, I love meeting new people, new cultures, everything and I love studying. I love broadening my mind and reading new facts and everything else. I find it very interesting and you can call me anything you want and say whatever you want about me, but not that I am silly or stupid. BECAUSE I AM NOT.

And cherry on top were the nightmares. Oh boy, the nightmares were they awful. The worst nightmare happened when I was alone one night. There was a closet in my old room which was always locked and one night I dreamt that there were people in the closet, all black like shadows calling out my name. ''marina, marina, come join us''. It was awful, and it felt so realistic. I woke up screaming and crying and I couldn't breathe. It was the worst feeling in the world. I started bawling my eyes out and couldn't calm down for a good 15 minutes. Mind you, I was all alone. I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt it was too much and the fear started taking over my life. I picked up all my stuff and decided to move to a dorm. And ever since then, I started flourishing. I felt like myself again and started enjoying everything I once loved again. But since my emotions were at zero, and you know the basic human emotions are anger,love,fear, happiness and sadness the first emotion I felt was ANGER. OH SO MUCH ANGER. It started building up inside me like a fire, a flame. '' I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me '' said Dany in Game of Thrones and I couldn't agree more. The fire inside still to this day burns brighter than the fire around me. I DON'T FEEL THE FIRE AROUND ME ANYMORE.You can tell me anything you want, I'll reply with just as much irony and sarcasm. I built myself from the ashes. I rose up from the dead I do it all the time, says T Swift in one of her songs.'' The old Marina can't come to the phone right now, why oh cause she's dead.'' I don't put up with any kind of injustice anymore. I don' t care. As my dad says you went from ''depression'' to ''agression''. But I don't care, I like myself better this way anyway. Maybe right now I talk way too much but I don't care. I like to express my opinion. Maybe that's why I don;t have a boyfriend, lol. No one wants to put up with me and my bullshit. But whatever, I am building myself and becoming my own hero so if the right guy comes along I will definitely accept him. I definitely strongly believe in soulmates. You know when you meet a person and everything just clicks, you know you would be best friends. You talk endlessly and have so much in common. Once that happens to me, I will be more than happy to accept that person into my life. For now, I am fine just the way I am.