5:01:00 PM

If you're going through hell, keep going.

Hey guys, how's it going? Are you glad I'm back, I am. Today I am writing about a topic which is very close to my heart and which I feel strongly about. I am writing about anxiety and my struggles which have taken over my life for some time. 

In January, I started feeling pretty bad about myself. I started doubting myself and started to become more and more disinterested in what I was doing with my life. All I wanted to do was lay on the couch and watch TV shows. And my anxiety couldn't have come at a worst time, it was the time of the final exams. I didn't want to fail because I was a pretty good student but I couldn't help feeling like I was losing who I was. It was growing darker and darker, becoming a sort of depression. I wouldn't say I was really depressed but I guess I was at a brink of it. I kept staring at myself in the mirror and repeating '' I AM FINE, I AM FINE'' but I wasn't. I wasn't fine at all. I didn't feel like eating, I started losing my apettite, I didn't want to go out, all I ever wanted to do was lay on the couch and stare at the tv screen. And like icing on the cake, came my landlady. I wasn't living in a dorm, I lived alone with her and one day out of nowhere she called me stupid. In a very serious tone, might I add. She told me,why are you so stupid, why do you always help everyone. And out of respect for her and out of respect for my parents, I didn't say anything. I kept quiet. And that started eating me on the inside. I AM NOT STUPID. If anything, I am really smart, this might sound fake, but I definitely consider myself smart. I may not me the smartest in maths, but I love languages, I love meeting new people, new cultures, everything and I love studying. I love broadening my mind and reading new facts and everything else. I find it very interesting and you can call me anything you want and say whatever you want about me, but not that I am silly or stupid. BECAUSE I AM NOT.

And cherry on top were the nightmares. Oh boy, the nightmares were they awful. The worst nightmare happened when I was alone one night. There was a closet in my old room which was always locked and one night I dreamt that there were people in the closet, all black like shadows calling out my name. ''marina, marina, come join us''. It was awful, and it felt so realistic. I woke up screaming and crying and I couldn't breathe. It was the worst feeling in the world. I started bawling my eyes out and couldn't calm down for a good 15 minutes. Mind you, I was all alone. I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt it was too much and the fear started taking over my life. I picked up all my stuff and decided to move to a dorm. And ever since then, I started flourishing. I felt like myself again and started enjoying everything I once loved again. But since my emotions were at zero, and you know the basic human emotions are anger,love,fear, happiness and sadness the first emotion I felt was ANGER. OH SO MUCH ANGER. It started building up inside me like a fire, a flame. '' I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me '' said Dany in Game of Thrones and I couldn't agree more. The fire inside still to this day burns brighter than the fire around me. I DON'T FEEL THE FIRE AROUND ME ANYMORE.You can tell me anything you want, I'll reply with just as much irony and sarcasm. I built myself from the ashes. I rose up from the dead I do it all the time, says T Swift in one of her songs.'' The old Marina can't come to the phone right now, why oh cause she's dead.'' I don't put up with any kind of injustice anymore. I don' t care. As my dad says you went from ''depression'' to ''agression''. But I don't care, I like myself better this way anyway. Maybe right now I talk way too much but I don't care. I like to express my opinion. Maybe that's why I don;t have a boyfriend, lol. No one wants to put up with me and my bullshit. But whatever, I am building myself and becoming my own hero so if the right guy comes along I will definitely accept him. I definitely strongly believe in soulmates. You know when you meet a person and everything just clicks, you know you would be best friends. You talk endlessly and have so much in common. Once that happens to me, I will be more than happy to accept that person into my life. For now, I am fine just the way I am.


Be your own hero, build yourself, work hard on improving your own self. And everything will fall in its place. You'll feel better, you'll surround yourself with the right people, maybe even the right guy will come along. WHO KNOWS? But anyways we are all so young, there is so much time ahead of us. '' And if we can't make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run'', says Andrew Marwell in To his coy mistress. Gather ye rosebuds while you may, old time is still a-flying, and the same flower that smiles today tomorrow will be dying. Seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary. A quote from one of my absolute favorite films called Dead Poets Society.

You know what they say, you'll be sad for a while and then you'll realize you don't give a fuck and that'll be the best feeling ever. Take care of both your mental and physcial health, don't let your mental health become secondary to you. It is just as important. Because once you lose your mind, you lose everything. And nobody can save you but yourself. I talked to one of my mom's close friends and he helped me a lot.He lost his sister and his mother to suicide and yet he came out of that stronger and much better than ever. He rose up from the ashes. I didn't, my ashes weren't so big. But everyone fights their own battles, everyone has their own struggles which is why it is essential to be kind. '' you is kind, you is smart, you is important.'' 


Aaaand that's it. I rambled on for far too long, but I hope you see my point. Take care of yourself and everything will be alright. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. Don't let anyone put you down. You know the book by Franz Kafka ''Transformation''? Well in that book, a man gets turned into a bug and at the end they crush him. WHY? Because he let himself become a bug, become people kept stepping over him. DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU. No one deserves to make you feel bad about yourself, you deserve everything and more. You deserve the whole world, you should never forget that. You are the best you can be, you are you. And that is truer than true, there is no one alive who is youer than you.


LOVE, M xx

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